Question: What happens when you buy a mattress and it’s too big to fit in a car?
Answer: You tie it to the roof.
Question: What do you tie it with if you came completely unprepared?
Answer: Network cables.
True story.
I recently got a desk from Ikea, and had to build it. I forgot to take the bolts out of the box, so naturally the only way I could get them was to crawl all the way inside. Yes, I was all the way inside the box.
For the record, I didn’t find the bolts. I had already taken them out of the box and put them to the side. I hate making things from Ikea.
So I woke up Friday to a kind note from my roommate informing me that our toilet was on strike. I didn’t take a picture of it because it was gross, so just imagine a toilet, but with a red “x” through it. Before running out to the store to get a plunger, I did some research. I watched some manly men plunging (is that the right verb?), the hell out of toilets to unclog them. They made it look easy. In fact, some of them said it was easy. So with a fire in my heart, and an umbrella, I waltzed to the local 99 cent store to pick up a quality plunger.
Then I plungered the toilet like a mad woman. First of all, those stupid YouTube videos are misleading. It’s hard to plunge the toilet and not get EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE. With damp socks and a sad soul, I decided to do the next thing: call Home Depot. I don’t know why I chose them, so don’t ask. I figured if anyone was used to being asked what to do about toilets by females who had never had to deal with it before, it was Home Depot. Who I should have called right away was Nick (dubbed the “turd whisperer” by his brother).
Sure enough, the Home Depot lady tells me to pour some dish detergent into the toilet, let it sit for a couple of minutes to lubricate the blockage and then plunge like crazy. I do this. This was the result:
I just don’t even. At this time, I send Nick (Turd Whisperer) a picture of the damage. Then I decide it’s time for a break to let the toilet reflect on what it’s done and to allow me time to reassess my plunging strategy:
Just as I’m pouring my glass, Nick calls me back. In between bouts of hysterical laughter, he manages to tell me to try again. So I put him on speaker phone so the Turd Whisperer could talk to my toilet. Sure enough, within about 4 seconds, the toilet unclogs. All evidence of the Hell I endured? Gone.
The best part of the day, though, was when my roommate came home with flowers for me as thanks for my valiant fight against the toilet from Hell. It wasn’t necessary at all, but the gesture made my day. I put the flowers in an empty bottle. Best roommate ever? Very yes.
Well, I was literally in my apartment for about ten minutes before I had my first injury. Did you know: dishwashers can’t close if your finger is in the way? But, they’re going to try really hard to do so. My finger may not look so bad in the photo, but it hurts a lot and it’s all bruised and gross looking now. STUPID DISHWASHER. Stay tuned for the first photo of my toothbrush on the toilet.