turn around and walk away.
Leave my book behind.
turn around and walk away.
Leave my book behind.
You are beautiful—
the way you read in the rain.
Turning wet pages.
This week was filled with days when food was beyond my control. There was a lot of surprise trips to restaurants, and a lot of surprise foods that made their way to me. It was really hard, but I did the best I could with what I could control. I gained weight this week as result of it. This weight could be the natural cycle of weight loss I tend to follow (three losses and a gain), which means next week is a definite loss, but the gain made me think of something that’s been bothered me for a while.
Many fat-allies tend to focus on the physical weight as both the issue and the celebration. They assume I’m the happiest, proudest, most motivated when the scale tells me I should be, but this is a very damaging kind of thinking to fall into. The support feels like a double-edged knife. I get the message that they are proud of me for all of my hard work, and that they think I’m strong and amazing. But the flip side of this is that they think these things because I am becoming less fat.
This then causes a greater problem. If my friends are proud of me because I was able to lose weight, what does it now mean that this week I didn’t lose weight? Whether or not they meant it, I can almost feel their cringes in the background. Failing feels like I’m not able to human well enough, rather than something I should accept, grow from, and move on. I’m already heavy enough–I don’t need to carry the unrealistic and unfair expectations of those watching me from the sidelines.
To truly be a support to your fat friends, I think it’s essential for people to forget the number. Remember the person. Ask them questions and really listen. And if you’re not ready to change your life to better fit your fat friend in it, then don’t ask to begin with. They may need something from you, and will be hurt when you don’t provide it.
Treat your friend like you would someone with a food allergy or someone with a special food restriction, like a vegetarian. You wouldn’t turn around and tell your friend who has a severe peanut allergy that you’re throwing a peanut butter party, but they’re welcome to bring something they can eat. And you wouldn’t treat them like they’re broken and need to learn to deal with the situations you’re throwing at them.
Being fat is not a sign of weakness, and it is not something that needs to be fixed. We all, fatties included, need to stop treating it that way. If your fat friends needs something, and you cannot or will not provide it, you need to tell them to their face so that they can find better friends. They deserve good friends.
For me, my journey is partly about weight and partly about health. I want to feel good in my body, which to me means getting stronger at the gym and having my hip pain stop. Getting stronger isn’t related to the scale. My hip pain may be. Perhaps my hip pain is a result of me being heavier than I was when I started running–who knows? My success, however, is going to be measured by whether or not I can start running again, not what I weigh.
This has been on my mind for a while, and I think gaining weight finally made it possible to start opening this box.
Beyond this, here’s a quick recap of my week.
Guess who didn’t forget to take photos of her meals this week! This fatty right here. This week’s chosen recipe is:
What you’ll need:
Lots of Brussels sprouts
1 acorn squash
2 chicken sausage links
1 jar of whole grain mustard
First, cut your acorn squash in half and butter the halves up, then stick it in the oven. Use your usual roasting time and temperature. I had it in at 425 for 40 minutes.
Next, shred your Brussels sprouts. What I did was cut each in half, then into strips vertically. Then I manually separated the layers. I put the sprouts in a pan and mixed in a little bit of butter. As they cooked, I took out a bowl and mixed together 3/4 cup water, 1/2 tbs of flour (or corn starch). After those are mixed, add in 2 tbs whole grain mustard and mix together. This should be pretty liquidy, so you’ll want to put it in a pan and simmer until it gets thicker. This took about 2-3 minutes for me.
When the Brussels sprouts become tender, add chicken sausage that has been cut into tiny chunks. I cut each link into slices, and then each slice was cut into quarters. Add these to the sprouts and cook until the sausage is well done. Before serving, add in the mustard glaze and mix into the sprouts and sausage.
By this time, the squash should be done. Take it out of the oven and using a glove and a spoon, scoop out the meaty inside into a bowl. It should be so soft that it’s pretty instantly “mashed potato” status. Add Parmesan cheese to taste.
Finally add servings of both to a plate and enjoy!
I was able to get to the gym this week. My hip was hurting a lot, which I think is a result of all the sitting I’ve been doing for NaNo writing. I did manage to snag these cool pictures of me doing a Romanian dead-lift:
This week is going to be a bit of a hard one with Thanksgiving coming up. However, perhaps this year will be a surprising–I’ll make sure to take photos!
I’m wishing you patience and love this week.
Starting weight: 210.2 lbs
Current weight: 201.6 lbs
Total loss: -8.6 lbs
Can I leave this here?
This overdue book I owe?
Can you waive my fines?
This week was definitely interesting. The election caused some major feelings of helplessness, which tends to be my big trigger for eating. As soon as things get out of control, I shovel some stuff into my mouth and I’ve magically got control of it all. Solid logic.
I felt the wave of nom noms coming on, so I stocked up on apples and plums and veggies so I could emotionally eat things that were a little more healthy for my body. The problem wasn’t completely dealt with, but I did make one baby step towards not doing the wrong thing.
One pretty awesome thing that happened this week though was that on Saturday my best friend came over in the morning to help me record a video for our Kickstarter. I was really nervous and I wanted desperately not to look stupid on camera. I mean, this could potentially be seen by one trillion people–all I wanted was to look passably attractive and sound like someone who has as many degrees as I do.
Nick sent me some screenshots of from throughout the video. Some of them look questionable, like this one:
Beyond this, here’s a quick recap of my week.
Of course I forgot to take photos of the deliciously healthy meals because I was too busy shoveling them into my face while they were still lava hot. One photo-less recipe I can offer you is this:
Healthy Parmesan Chicken and WTF Veggies
As many chicken breasts as you want to eat
Low-fat string cheese (I used Weight Watchers brand)
All the veggies you want to eat (I used one sweet potato, one head of broccoli)
First, chop up all the veggies and the garlic. Put the veggies in a pan with half the garlic, and cook until toasty. Then add a tiny bit of butter and continue cooking.
While the veggies are doing their thing, you’ll need to set up a little station. In one bowl, put about two cups of breadcrumbs in, and in a separate bowl, beat two eggs well. Next, wash and cut your chicken breast to preference. Dunk the chicken breast into the eggs and then right into the bread crumbs. Put them on a baking sheet.
When all of your breasts are covered and ready, stick them in the oven. I put them in for about 20 minutes at 375. Honestly, I have no idea about the science of food in ovens, so I just make it up and pray. This gave me crispy brown cooked breasts, so I’d give it the thumbs up.
When they’re done, take them out and use a spoon to spread tomato sauce around the tops of each one, and sprinkle some garlic on top–I heaped it on, but use the amount that you like to eat. Next, break up your string cheese and lay your cheese layers on top of the tomato sauce and garlic. Stick these birds back in the oven for another 5 – 10 minutes.
If you time everything right, your veggies and chicken should be done at the same time. I threw some breadcrumbs into the veggie mix to give it a little texture, but this is optional.
Serve up together and enjoy! I managed to recognize when I was full and saved a whole breast for lunch the next day–food win!
NaNoWriMo has made getting to the gym really hard, and the one day I was set to go, I had a CPR class. Sunday night I was ready to lift some weights–I even got as far as changing clothes and getting through my warm-up. A comment someone had said to me earlier in the day finally caught up to me though, and when I saw someone using the machine I needed to use, I lost all steam and decided I needed to go home. I’m going to try again this week to do this particular work-out, but that’s going to be a bit hard. I’m feeling pretty deflated and quite honestly, ashamed and angry.
Even though I’m having a hard time regaining the drive and enthusiasm I had Sunday morning, I’m hoping that in the space it takes for me to write this and for it to be published, some magic will happen and I’ll be ready for this new week.
I’m wishing you tolerance, love, and safety this week.
Starting weight: 210.2 lbs
Current weight: 199.8 lbs
Total loss: -10.4 lbs
I’ve always held firmly the belief that an oppressor is a broken human and the only way to help heal their damaged soul is to respond to them with love and forgiveness, even if they don’t deserve it. On November 9th, after several hours of all-consuming rage followed by deep, horrible sorrow, I decided I needed to channel the belief I had followed my whole life. It was time to write Donald Trump a letter.
Dear President Trump,
First, I would like to congratulate you on your recent election victory. You have worked very hard during your campaign and the American people chose you to lead this country into the future. I am writing to you today to share hopes and dreams I have for your presidency—hopes and dreams I have for every president who walks through those doors and gets the privilege of representing this great country to the world.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I hope your presidency looks like, and I’ve decided that more important than what you accomplish are the lasting changes you make to the lives of young people and those who look to you for guidance and for help.
I hope that you are a kind president. I hope you forgive your enemies and you rise to every occasion with grace and with humility. I hope you will model for our children the understanding that a strong man will not throw insults at those he doesn’t like. That sometimes, kindness is harder and takes more courage to follow-through with. I hope they will remember you as the president who taught them that sometimes it is more important to be kind than to be right.
I hope you are a compassionate president, who knows that not everything that is fair will be equal. I hope you take mercy on families who are just getting by, on people who are sick, and on people who have been told all along that they are not welcome in their school, their town, their country. I hope you stand up against bullies and you protect us from the dangers of poverty, illness, and violence.
I hope you are a wise president. I hope you know the difference between equality and equity and that you will realize that women are not a topic of argument, but autonomous people who will govern their own bodies regardless of your opinion of it. I hope you will realize that what women need are less laws dictating what they can and cannot do for their own health, and more education and celebrations of their body. I hope you will remember which body part you came out of.
I hope you will be a loving president, one that models every kind of love through the kinds of love he allows. I hope you will show LGBTQ youth that their love is valid and good and beautiful by protecting their rights and doing everything in your power to lower teen suicide rates. I hope you empower our young people and make them feel like people every day of their lives.
I hope, most of all Mr. Trump, that you do a great job as our president. I hope you are remembered as one of the best presidents that we ever had in this country. I hope you remember us each morning that you wake up, and that we can be proud of all you do.
Just take a deep breath
and inhale the smell of ink
breaking down slowly.