So my first week wasn’t so bad.

I mean, I spent way more time than I thought I would trying to talk about how hard eating is for me, and I spent way more time than I thought I would planning out my meals, but that’s how growing works, right?

Let’s look at the week.

Exercise

I got to do really cool things in personal training, which includes, but is not limited to: front squats.  I’m always trying to learn what the exercises are called, but sometimes I’m not so great with the memory.  Basically, this is me saying I hope they’re actually called front squats.

They were pretty tough at first because I was so scared of dropping the bar, but once I got over that fear, they were pretty cool.  I mean, look how cool I look doing them.

Food

I made some yummy dishes at home, and of course did not take any photos of them.  Instead, I want to tell you about a victory I had outside of the apartment.  I went to a party on Saturday that I was really worried about.  It was a nighttime party, which meant it would most likely happening after I ate all my points for the day.  And it would probably be filled with temptations.

After a brief freak out, I settled on bringing a vegetable platter with me to the party, and made sure I sat near it.  Crisis averted.

Also, check out how awesome I look in my Halloween costume!

Nick made the backpack from scratch.  I got a million compliments on the subway—not such a bad thing, gotta be honest with you.

Now onto my second week, ready for whatever comes!

Starting weight: 210.2 lbs

Current weight: 206.6 lbs

Total loss: -3.6 lbs

I decided to hit reset.

What I was doing wasn’t working, and so I’m switching it all up again.

Here’s a chronicle of my journey—a new start towards finding a balance between who I am right now and who I want to be.

Before I tell you where I want to go, let’s look at where I am and where I’ve been.

On May 28^th, 2010 I graduated from college at 264 pounds.  I have very few memories of that day except that I hated how I looked so much that I have few surviving photos of me.

On May 29^th, 2010 I joined Weight Watchers.

I did really well for a while—I lost 87 pounds by October of 2012, and a few more pounds into April of 2013.  And then things started to fall apart.  I started having issues with my family, and issues with my job.  I was single, and unhappy about it.  I was mad that I had lost nearly 100 pounds and nothing was getting better.  Because that’s how it’s supposed to work, right?  Your weight is why you’re unhappy, and when it’s gone, everything is sunshine and roses.  Someone had lied to me, and I was mad I worked so hard for “nothing.”

In September of 2013, I started dating someone who was as toxic to me as he was to himself and every person he came in contact with.  I was working with a narcissistic coworker who sabotaged my joy at work.  I felt like I had failed at being an adult.  The weight started to creep on.  I held strong though—I wanted to do well, even if the people I co-existed with made that impossible.

In September of 2014, after a disaster of a break up, I started running.  I loved running–I raced every weekend and ran in the park 3-4 times a week.

And then in February of 2015, I injured myself.  I couldn’t run, and I felt like I had finally lost everything.  So I self-medicated with Netflix and Chinese food, and slowly but surely the weight came back.

In January of 2016, I started personal training with a really fantastic woman who can basically bench press me with her pinky finger.  She helped me improve my balance, and work on getting over a fear of injuring myself again.  I started strength training, and everything seemed to be going great.

Except I couldn’t stop eating.  It was a real and serious problem.  I was eating when I was happy, I was eating when I was sad, and I was eating when I knew I should stop.  I was still punishing myself, and no amount of hugs from my (newer and nicer) boyfriend, or kettle bells, or baggy sweaters was going to fix it.

So I rejoined Weight Watchers.

Today is day one of getting myself back to healthy.

Do I want to lose the weight?  Of course.

What I really want though, is control.  I want control over my eating again.  I want to feel normal and proud of myself again.

So here goes–at 210.2 pounds, I’m starting over.

I will share my work with you.

The good, the bad, and the frustrating will go here, and hopefully, it will all come together.